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A woman hates to stand in line in the grocery store because she's afraid that everyone
is watching her. She knows that it's not really true, but she can't shake the feeling.
Now, she has to talk to the person who's checking out her groceries. She tries to
smile, but her voice comes out weakly. She's sure she's making a fool of herself.
Her self-
Another person sits in front of the telephone and agonizes because she's afraid to pick up the receiver and make a call. She's even afraid to call an unknown person in a business office about the electric bill because she's afraid she'll be "putting someone out" or she will be calling at the wrong time, and they will be upset with her. It's very hard for her to take rejection, even over the phone, even from someone she doesn't know. She feels rejected even before she makes the call. Once the call is made and over, she sits, analyses, and ruminates about what was said, what tone it was said in, and how she was perceived by the other person....her anxiety and racing thoughts concerning the call prove to her that she "messed" this conversation up, too, just like she always does. Sometimes she gets embarrassed just thinking about the call.
A man finds it difficult to walk down the street because he's self-
A man hates to go to work because a meeting is scheduled the next day. He knows that
these meetings always involve co-
Another young man wants to go to parties and other social events, indeed, he is very,
very lonely, but he never goes anywhere because he's very nervous about meeting new
people. Too many people will be there and crowds only make things worse for him.
The thought of meeting new people scares him, will he know what to say? Will they
stare at him and make him feel even more insignificant? Will they reject him outright?
Even if they seem nice, they're sure to notice his frozen look and his inability
to fully smile. They'll sense his discomfort and tenseness and they won't like him
-
In public places, such as work, meetings, or shopping, people with low self-
One of the worst circumstances, though, is meeting people who are "authority figures".
Especially people such as bosses and supervisors at work, but including almost anyone
who is seen as being "better" than they are in some respect. People with low self-
How is it ever possible to feel "comfortable" or "natural" under these circumstances?
Pointers to Low Self-
There are two basic low self esteem responses, some people stay in one of these two positions, others vacillate between the two:
1. Feeling down on yourself
- feeling overwhelmed by the pace of life
- feeling like a failure relative to everyone else
- constantly doubting whether you can achieve anything
- staying where it's safe, being afraid to try anything too new
- behaving timidly and cannot assert yourself
- overly depending on others to look after you
- finding ways of escaping unpleasant realities
- putting little effort into things because you doubt you can be successful
- putting yourself down constantly
2. Feeling angry and getting even
- losing your temper at the drop of a hat
- being quick to pick a fight
- blaming others or circumstances for every setback
- constantly finding fault with the world
- negative -
nothing is good, everything is horrible - taking pleasure in stories about the troubles of others
- taking things out on others
- constantly arguing about petty issues
How to Treat Low Self-
How you feel about yourself depends on who you compare yourself with. We make the mistake of comparing how we feel with how others behave. Inevitably, most others will behave more happily than we feel, so we conclude that no one else could feel as bad as we do. This creates a vicious circle and our self esteem then drops even lower.
Healthy self esteem means thinking as highly of yourself as you think of your peers
Excessive self esteem = grandiosity, like too much organization = obsessiveness.
High self esteem is compatible with humility
Humility is not the same as self effacement
The right balance should place you mid way between grandiosity and self effacement
To maintain healthy self esteem:
- Forgive yourself for your mistakes
- Celebrate your strengths and achievements
- We are so used to negative feedback that we are more aware of our weaknesses
- Set achievable targets and get regular feedback
- Change the way you talk to yourself -
stop putting yourself down - Be sure that you are not judging yourself against unreasonable standards
- Beating yourself for your weaknesses is self defeating
Whose standards?
Some questions to ponder:
- What are you really trying to achieve?
- Why is it so important?
- What about your other values? Are you in a rut or a tunnel?
- Who are you trying to prove yourself to: your boss, father, mother, spouse?
“Beware the Tyranny of The Should's”
I should...
- ...be earning much more money
- ...be the best provider for my family in the world
- ...be at the very top of my profession
- ...get all my work done on time always
- ...never make any mistakes...ever
- ...always make the right decisions
- ...always know exactly what to do
- ...always feel enthusiastic and energetic
- ...always win all my arguments with everyone
- ...always be on top of everything
You no doubt have other Should's to beat yourself with -
- But who says you have to be perfect? Or inhumanly invulnerable?
- Can you live up to your Should's AND maintain perspective?
- Having excessively high standards is a no-
win situation with you as the number one loser - Unachievable standards = low self esteem = pushing yourself even harder
- Exerting even more effort and still failing = even lower self esteem
- Hence you are caught in a self-
defeating vicious circle
Talking to yourself
What names do you call yourself?
When you make a mistake, do you say...
- What an idiot! How can you be so stupid!
- Can't you get anything right! What a loser!
- There you go again! You're not really up to it, are you?!!
- Who else has talked to you this way in the past?
Why are you still listening to them?
- You can't change your past, but you can change the way you talk to yourself today.
- Start by making a LONG list of all the good things you have ever done
- Catch yourself saying nasty things to yourself
- Exclaim: Stop it!!
- Say the opposite to yourself, that you have achieved a lot of good things
- Recite your list of achievements to yourself
- Regularly review your list of Should's and tell yourself it is OK to be less than perfect
- Convince yourself to be proud of what you have done and of what you are working on
Your Strengths
Why do you think you have so few strengths worth celebrating?
- Because everyone has always pointed out your shortcomings -
as you do yourself. - Because you rarely get any positive feedback for a job well done
- Because the things you do well are so familiar to you that you take them for granted
- Because you have learned to focus only on your mistakes
Audit your strengths
- This is not as easy as it seems because you will have discounted your strengths
- Find a good listener to help you review everything you have done
- Anyone who hasn't done what you've done will be more objective about what you can do
- Discuss every work and non-
work project you have been involved in over the last 5 years - Strive to avoid discounting the other person's attempts to name your strengths
Celebrate your strengths
- Make a list of your strengths and read it to yourself regularly, adding to it as you go
- Praise yourself for what you have achieved
- Compare yourself favourably with peers who have not done what you have done
- Review your strengths whenever you are feeling particularly defeated
The following affirmations by Virginia Satir are helpful to copy and hang on a wall where you will constantly see them, and repeat them to yourself.
- I do not have to feel guilty just because someone else does not like what I do, say, think, or feel.
- It is O. K. for me to feel angry and to express it in responsible ways.
- I do not have to assume full responsibility for making decisions, particularly where others share responsibility for making the decision.
- I have the right to say, "I don't know."
- I have the right to say "No," without feeling guilty.
- I have the right to say "I don't understand," without feeling stupid.
- I do not have to apologize or give reasons when I say "No."
- I have the right to ask others to do things for me.
- I have the right to refuse requests which others make of me.
- I have the right to tell others when I think they are manipulating, conning or treating me unfairly.
- I have the right to refuse additional responsibilities without feeling guilty.
- lI have the right to tell others when their behaviour annoys me.
- I do not have to compromise my personal integrity.
- I have the right to make mistakes and to be responsible for them; I have the right to be wrong.
- I do not have to be liked, admired, or respected by everyone for everything I do.
Treatment of low self-
Treatment of low self-
Social anxiety responds to relatively short-
There Is a Better Life for All People with Low Self-
Without treatment, social anxiety is a torturous and horrible emotional problem;
with treatment, its bark is worse than its bite. Add to this that current research
is clear that cognitive-
Treatment of Low Self-
For social anxieties or phobias, medications can help to reduce the tensions associated with entering the fearful situation, to bring a racing heart and sweaty palms under control, and to reduce some shyness.
Doctors use several classes of medications that are beneficial, individually or in combination. The drugs with the longest history of use with social phobias are the beta adrenergic blocking agents, also known as beta blockers. The most commonly used are propranolol (Inderal) and atenolol (Tenormin). The patient can take propranolol as needed or in dosages of 10 to 20 mg three to four times a day, or atenolol in dosages of 25 to 100 mg once daily. Surprisingly, controlled research studies have not supported the widespread anecdotal reports of success with beta blockers. It's possible that their best use is for occasional mild social anxieties.
The high potency benzodiazepines clonazepam (1-
Current research suggests that the monoamine oxidase inhibitors (MAOIs), especially phenelzine, are most highly effective medications for treating social phobias. In studies, about 70% of subjects improve significantly within four weeks. Occasionally, however, a social phobic can experience an exaggerated response to an MAOI and become too talkative, outgoing or socially uninhibited. In that case the prescribing physician will lower the medication dosage or stop it altogether.
One approach to drug treatment that experts recommend for social fears is to begin by taking a medication only as needed. If patients are anxious only about specific events and if they experience primarily physical symptoms (sweating, racing heart, etc.), then about one hour before the event, they can take propranolol or atenolol. Propranolol seems to work better for occasional problems, while atenolol may work better for continued problems. If their symptoms are more cognitive (they worry about their performance or the judgment of others), then they can take alprazolam one hour before the event. If they have a mix of these symptoms then a combination of these medications may be more helpful. Benefits of these drugs should last about four hours.
If the social anxiety is more general, unpredictable and widespread, then patients
may need to take one of these medications on a daily basis. If it is not helpful
within two to three weeks, they can taper off the drug and switch to an MAOI such
as phenelzine, at 45-
A number of medications are currently under investigation and may prove to also be helpful. These include fluoxetine (Prozac) and other serotonin selective reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs)
On this page:
What is Low Self-
